Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
