I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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