Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
