My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
