mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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