yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize