Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
