Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
we're making bets on your personal life
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize