i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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