My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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