All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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