I murdered the dance floor call the cops
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
