Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
When are your genitals available?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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