How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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