totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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