I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
