So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
