I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
