Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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