mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
