girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
