u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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