You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
