life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
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