No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
