i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
