i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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