You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
