I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
