If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
