dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
