pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
