I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
