still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
