I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Randomize
