so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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