just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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