if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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