Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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