we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
