I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
