Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i came on her dog
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
