i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Who died my cat blue again?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
