I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
