Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
