hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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