Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize