I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
