well I can't set my house on fire every night
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Randomize
