Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
