I want you more than these girls want KFC
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
