the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
