that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
