I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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