Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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