Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
