can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
