Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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